This Lupus Life

I am the dancer and Lupus is my music. I want to make it look beautiful

Another week

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It breaks my heart that I have fallen into a lull. These past few days have been a time of internal reflection. It is hard to maintain the same level of oomph, and I am not yet at a stage, mentally, of being able to plan ahead. Even if I was, how do I plan for a relapse, no matter how big or small?
How do you handle your times of relapse? Do you recognise it when it is occurring? For me, the big indicator is always the lowering of energy. I don’t have any specific pain but my body is a general stiffness. My moods are less stable and more prone to happy and reserved, reflective. It is harder to focus and easier to listen to music. I can do things, but they are more along the lines of what can be achieved without mental specificity or hard work.
I know I should do…something. I want to…I suppose…but so long as no effort is required. At the same time I buzz with anticipation of I don’t know what. Am I about to start crying? Or laughing? I definitely won’t talk your head off. But I want to sing at the top of my lungs, perhaps something by Sia or Regina Spektor.
I am not depressed. I am not even unhappy. I am just Lupus. I had a big day yesterday, followed by a night where my heart ruled my thoughts and refused to let sleep enter my bedroom. Everything was worth it. But sometimes I ask why I have to pay for a day of laughter and joy, when so few other people do? It won’t stop me, but in the meantime it won’t help either.
Three things can't be hidden-

Author: Chevron Spots

I am in my mid twenties and fighting my battles to discover who I am and where I fit in to this zany, beautiful world. I was diagnosed with Lupus in in 2008. This takes up most of my focus, as I want to share the experience of trying to live with and rise above chronic invisible illness, so to speak. I would like to stress very much the information regarding medications, medical procedures and illnesses are discussed from my point of view, and with my understanding, colloquialisms and metaphors. I do not attempt to be legally and precisely accurate for the general population, rather I try to be emotionally and descriptively true to my experiences. I hope I can help in understanding others with chronic illness by providing one more personal recount of just how spontaneous and difficult these lives really are. One day I hope to visit every continent, climb some pretty high mountains, sleep in an ice cavern, marry a wonderfully understanding man, have children and teach more children. Mostly, I just want a simple life, you know the house with a husband and kids. Oh, and no pain.

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