I dont know what to say but i know i should say something so here i will jyst share with you the white nouse that is the my (lack of) depth of awareness.
Typically when I start on a course of prednisolone (50mg at present) it occupies the bulk of my mind and I become overwhelmed with the extreme state of hunger. I buzz with energy, bounce of walls and try to go jogging or gardening daily. I start new art projects and talk at hyperspeed with everyone about everything. Yet now I barely feel like im on the drug and honestly most days forget it is in me.
Hunger is of no consequence here.
The only time the energy peaks is a vague sense of ‘not tired’ at 2am when I still can’t completely turn my mind off. I’m losing weight, hate when people attempt to engage me in conversation and feel sluggish at the idea of focusing on a TV show for 20 minutes, let along an hour.
My humbled sense of gratitude is still overwhelming from the kindness and generosity of others during my hospitalization. I know people are good I was fortunate, but that in many situations when someone is in desperate need a passer by will help. I just haven’t been in such a situation before.
I feel that my house mate Bow was far and beyond a great help. He was understanding at my folks appearing and staying for so long when I wasn’t there. He came to hospital for a visit one day for hours, and it was a great comfort. I wanted to show him my appreciation.
So I bought a 3kg rainbow trout for us to fiddle with new recipes to cook from our massing specialist cookbook shelf.
The first meal was awesome. Trout in lemon & thyme butter. Bow has decided its his new favourite fish.
I see my girls very regularly now. I am very open and candid with them. They know exactly how I feel and what I’m thinking. I tell them so they know and they can keep an eye on me. I don’t trust myself to make good decisions any more. They can keep their eyes peeled in case I start to behave in little ways that may not be too concerning in isolation, but are not desirable in me.
Gallowe us good as always. I don’t know what he’s thinking but he has started to come to my appointments.
My room is clean. My stuff is organised. My books are interesting and my diet is nice. I study, eat, read. I interact, work, create.
Anything more than this is not a thought I entertain. I don’t think I have the capacity to think. I suppose this is my low point.