This Lupus Life

I am the dancer and Lupus is my music. I want to make it look beautiful

Recovery: My Worst Affliction

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I suffer from quite a serious affliction that I speak very little about, although I am very sure many people are aware of it to some extent. I am referring to my over-active and unrelenting imagination. I have suffered with this from childhood and while it may not seem exactly like a burden to many, it indeeds causes me no end of pain and turmoil. I refer to my overactive imagination and naturally high level of energy.

The impact of this ailment is mostly that my mind is always ‘on’. In my head, while I go about my business I am often compiling short prose pieces or designing and editing letters to people in a memoir fashion. These are mostly fictional pieces I compile to make sense of things I have seen, although it isn’t unusual for me to be musing over my next blog posts, engaging in research (yes hypothetical!) regarding health, travel or history. If you are shocked to discover my strong love of philosophy and psychology and my reflective considerations over the things I see and how I address everything internally with a spin from my two favourite P’s (psychology and philosophy) then I encourage you to note how most of my writings have strong tendencies to draw on these.

So yes, overactive thinking is my number one affliction because everything I see, hear, feel and participate in is thought about from so many different angles. I wake up most mornings having compiled at least 100 words of solid writing and better understanding situations that had confounded me for weeks. Even when I am wading through the haziness that comes with Prednisone, the decreasingly frequent moods of Anxiety or Depression that are just so painfully commonplace with some medications or the general struggles that everyone feels through the process of living life. Even when I struggle to put a sentence together with my Vasculitis and subsequent neurological troubles, and my co-ordination isn’t at its best.

Even then the part of me that makes up who I am still lives on philosophising, analysing, reflecting and compiling. I have taken up and worked very hard to become more than adequate (for my perfectionist personality anyway) so many different types of art, craft, design and music to occupy my creative side (that doesn’t need my lexical stylings) so as to give my mind a break sometimes.

Even this doesn’t work sometimes which is why I have accumulated such a profound interest in watching various television series and reading literature of any genre. Why not films? I need to emotionally connect with the plotline and characters so as to be able to engage with what I am seeing and form a response. As well as that, now that television shows can be made accessible world wide only moments after they are aired in the country of origin, and the audience has become more critical of what they are viewing due to the large amount of possibilities, some companies, directors and investors are sinking more time and money in to what is being referred to as the ‘home box office’ (hence why one company in fact calls itself HBO – Home Box Office).

The relevance of me sharing this information with you is that I am coming in to a period of lucidity. I honestly feel that I may be coming in to windfall, which is particularly hard for me to say for two reasons. The first being that, much as other people, I do not have the ability to see in to the future. (I know, strange right!!) Secondly, this has been a hard year for many of my friends with Lupus, Depression and other chronic illnesses and I am dearly concerned for their health, knowing that there are still hard journeys ahead for them.

What I have noticed about this clarifying period of my life is that my thirst for direct artwork and creating is resurfacing. To be clear, whilst I have maintained my design abilities, and created many things over the last few years, I have adhered to design and decorating which revolves around patterns, predetermined rules or strict sequencing. Patchwork and photography have to a point direct guidelines that need to be employed for something to be effective. Drawing an image of a fairy floating in space holding a glowing orb, however, is not something that can be traced or replicated.

So now I am starting to draw and paint. I am less inclined to watch my shows and more inclined to research how to use watercolours. I fall asleep at night thinking of what The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy makes me see in my minds eye, rather than waking up with a solution to how to change my diet to minimise the pain of Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I don’t know how this will help anyone else. Or if it will indeed help anyone at all. I hope it gives you something to ruminate on. I wonder, are you suffering from an illness, visible, chronic, temporary or otherwise and how does it impact on how you think and what you think about? What do you do to quieten your mind, calm yourself and express your feelings and physicality ? What holds you back from trying anything like these this as an outlet for your mind and soul? Why? (Don’t say you are no good at art, creating things or thinking because WE ALL START SOMEWHERE!)

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Author: Chevron Spots

I am in my mid twenties and fighting my battles to discover who I am and where I fit in to this zany, beautiful world. I was diagnosed with Lupus in in 2008. This takes up most of my focus, as I want to share the experience of trying to live with and rise above chronic invisible illness, so to speak. I would like to stress very much the information regarding medications, medical procedures and illnesses are discussed from my point of view, and with my understanding, colloquialisms and metaphors. I do not attempt to be legally and precisely accurate for the general population, rather I try to be emotionally and descriptively true to my experiences. I hope I can help in understanding others with chronic illness by providing one more personal recount of just how spontaneous and difficult these lives really are. One day I hope to visit every continent, climb some pretty high mountains, sleep in an ice cavern, marry a wonderfully understanding man, have children and teach more children. Mostly, I just want a simple life, you know the house with a husband and kids. Oh, and no pain.

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