This Lupus Life

I am the dancer and Lupus is my music. I want to make it look beautiful

Wading through half-set concrete

5 Comments

These last few days have hit me where it hurts. No not literally (that’d be everywhere) but figuratively. 2014 just keeps on coming at me, yet I am adamant after the next few days of down time I will be back swinging.

Before I continue I want to put a disclaimer out as the events relate to other people in my life and by no means do I want to upset them by sharing but if I don’t get this out now I may ruin this coming Mothers Day weekend.

A friend emailed me yesterday morning to chat to me about how they have been overcoming a failed suicide attempt. They were glad I had kept in touch with them but felt they could not open up to anyone when they had been in trouble. Yet we had been communicating that whole time ad I had missed it. It’s a common thing for people to miss it apparently, and I was sick myself, but when you hear this stuff you still feel bad.

Yesterday I had a conversation with another friend who emphatically and passionately told all these reasons why “If there’s only one thing I do in life it should be to give birth to my own child. It will make my life complete in a way nothing else will.”

Yep. Thanks. o_O

I also cut my thumb in half last night. It hurt. A lot.

I was distracted yesterday through all this and forgot to take my Propanolol. So today I have been sitting in Migraine City, forecast pain with a chance of aura.

At uni I caught up with a friend I haven’t had much time to chat with lately. He informed me he was dropping out of the theatre performance we are both in as he wouldn’t be able to make it. When I cautiously asked him why he just said, “I have Glaucoma and it’s bad. They’re taking out one of my eyes.”

Invisible illness strikes again in an otherwise healthy 21-year-old.

I also have 2 close friends recovering from recent traumatic abuse experiences and a friend slowly succumbing to melanoma in his brain.

At the moment I feel like I am wading through half-set concrete and if I don’t keep hold of  my positive mindset things could get bad. I know these issues don’t affect me directly, but some days you just want to give the universe the finger and sing in French.

(If you don’t understand this song by Camille, Ta Douleur, translates to “I will take your pain”)

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Author: Chevron Spots

I am in my mid twenties and fighting my battles to discover who I am and where I fit in to this zany, beautiful world. I was diagnosed with Lupus in in 2008. This takes up most of my focus, as I want to share the experience of trying to live with and rise above chronic invisible illness, so to speak. I would like to stress very much the information regarding medications, medical procedures and illnesses are discussed from my point of view, and with my understanding, colloquialisms and metaphors. I do not attempt to be legally and precisely accurate for the general population, rather I try to be emotionally and descriptively true to my experiences. I hope I can help in understanding others with chronic illness by providing one more personal recount of just how spontaneous and difficult these lives really are. One day I hope to visit every continent, climb some pretty high mountains, sleep in an ice cavern, marry a wonderfully understanding man, have children and teach more children. Mostly, I just want a simple life, you know the house with a husband and kids. Oh, and no pain.

5 thoughts on “Wading through half-set concrete

  1. Hope today is a better day for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, Jessica, that’s tough stuff you’re going through & that your friends around you are going through . . . I feel for everyone you’ve mentioned including you of course as I am going through my own personal hell right now with the break up of my 30 year marriage, along with my only (adult) child’s estrangement from me which has a lot to do with her getting caught in the middle of the fray & miscommunication between her Mom & me. Also, I suffer from bipolar disorder, though I wasn’t diagnosed with that until roughly a month ago, so there were quite a few years, really decades, that I wasn’t getting the treatment I needed. Needless to say, I am really struggling & suffering right now, and just doing the best I can to hang on. Though I am committed to not harming myself, I must say that I’ve never felt worse & am doing my best to reach out for the help of friends, family, & professionals during this time. Paradoxically, reading your entry above makes me feel more normal & less of a stuck out thumb . . . there’s something about one person in a painful situation relating to another in a like situation that can provide a kind of hope, sort of like going to an AA mtg.- oh, I forgot to mention that I’m also a recovering alcoholic . . . anyway, Jessica, thank you for your entry & your blog in general . . . you have helped me today simply by being honest about what you & your friends are going through . . am sending out positive vibes to you & them . . Sam

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    • Thanks Sam, I started my blog to talk out my troubles with my illness and because it’s given me a new perspective on how people interact in such a superficial way. Society has taught us to hold in our feelings and not talk about personal troubles, yet with the distancing increasing tenfold in the social media and new technology life we lead everyone is an island unto themselves. The best way to overcome illness, I believe, is to know you aren’t alone and to let others know you are vulnerable and you need help. Breaking through that first barrier, much like AA, is asking for help and admitting you feel isolated. I’m glad you don’t harm yourself, I’m sorry to hear what you are going through and I hope you find a great strength in the long term. In the short term I hope these steps you take to overcome your troubles bring you help each day. You aren’t alone 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks, Jessica, I believe you’re “right on” target . . . I can tell that you’ve gained much wisdom through your own & your friends’ experiences . . . I will definitely stay tuned . . .

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  4. Keep up your positive attitude!!! 🙂 Enjoy your weekend!

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