This Lupus Life

I am the dancer and Lupus is my music. I want to make it look beautiful


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We met in April 2006. She was 10 weeks old. I was just shy of 18 years. I had always wanted a Russian Blue, but an adolescence at boarding school meant that by the time I was ready for a pet of my own that I was living in a rental in the city. To pander to one of my moods, one weekend my mother decided she would go to the cat haven’s and breeders with me to see what the standards and prices were like.

The first place we went to was a breeder and the rest just fell in to place. Her breeding name was Tedina then and I was given her to hold whilst we looked at the others. We next went to the RSPCA and Cat Haven. Then a few more breeders. Then a few non-descript pound-style establishments. I contracted ring worm some where along the way. The day was nice and we went out for tea that night.

The next morning I woke with thoughts of that little Russian Blue in my mind. I had named her already and my heart was full. I spoke with my parents and we worked out a way that allowed me to bring her home that very day. It speaks volumes now as I look back at how willing my parents were to help bring this little life into my home to care for.

Over the years this kitten grew in to a cat. She created this warmth in my heart. Slowly, I opened up to those around me, as I became accustomed to feeling happy and accepting of my own happiness. I allowed myself to open up to my family and some friends. When I had a hard day, she was there. When I did or said something that was impolite or wrong, she didn’t judge and so helped me not to judge.

It is not hard now to reflect back and see I was suffering from depression. I cannot say when it came about, only that I was sick for a long time before anything else. Before the Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis, Bell’s Palsy, Ross River Virus, ITP and Balmer Forest Virus. It is fair to say I am not a stranger to illness, but having Cinta for company made coping with the ups and downs of everyday life as well as my sickness’s.

Tuesday 31 July 2012, I woke with Cinta snuggled in to my side. She had been taking that place for some time now, even when Walrus stayed over. This morning she didn’t wake up. The gift I had been living with for six years had passed on to a new life. In such a short time we had been through so much together, I was unsure how to work through some things without her. I had learned to trust, love and share myself, now it was time I learn to let go.

I still find Tuesdays difficult. I find discussing my feelings hard, just as I struggle to feel them. But I do want to share them, which is new for me. Everyone I am close to is good, as they know how I process. Someday I hope to share my life with another, but for now I will just settle with learning how to go about the small things without her.


Author: Chevron Spots

I am in my mid twenties and fighting my battles to discover who I am and where I fit in to this zany, beautiful world. I was diagnosed with Lupus in in 2008. This takes up most of my focus, as I want to share the experience of trying to live with and rise above chronic invisible illness, so to speak. I would like to stress very much the information regarding medications, medical procedures and illnesses are discussed from my point of view, and with my understanding, colloquialisms and metaphors. I do not attempt to be legally and precisely accurate for the general population, rather I try to be emotionally and descriptively true to my experiences. I hope I can help in understanding others with chronic illness by providing one more personal recount of just how spontaneous and difficult these lives really are. One day I hope to visit every continent, climb some pretty high mountains, sleep in an ice cavern, marry a wonderfully understanding man, have children and teach more children. Mostly, I just want a simple life, you know the house with a husband and kids. Oh, and no pain.

One thought on “Cinta

  1. Pingback: What is love? | Nitya Nata

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