This Lupus Life

I am the dancer and Lupus is my music. I want to make it look beautiful


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One of the hardest things to learn in life is what I believe the most important thing we all should know:
How to let someone love you.
Oh sure, you say. That’s easy!

But really? Really?

This guy, Ozzy. He is awesome. A generous, gentle person. The sick and somewhat black sense of humour which is so typically Australian. He listens when you speak to him. He doesn’t speak ill of people without good cause for it.
But when you speak to him, not 10 minutes will go by in which he doesn’t slide in an offside remark which is in someway a put down of himself.
“Gee, you did that quickly! Well down.” is often responded to with “Well I figured if any bastard could do it then it was something I shouldn’t have a problem with.” This is the standard response to any statement and more so an hourly comment.

I am not one for light negativity or insults. So after getting frustrated well past my limit I threw a stapler at him. “Why do you say these things? You are so good and so passionate and so nice. We don’t think these things so why should you?”

He talked. About his life.  About moving multiple times and never settling in to any job. About trying and failing and living and learning. About hurting, and being hurt. About being lonely for long time, expecting to grow old alone.
It was simple. He figured after a time that if he said it first, then he beat someone else to the punch. If he said it first, it wouldn’t hurt as much when they said it. His instant ability to put himself down was his armour.

When I realised how often Ozzy did this, I started to think about it. And I started to listen. And I realised something heart-breaking: we all do this.

Maybe not always so often. Maybe more so the people who have lived longer in negative situations. Maybe more so the people who have had, or are having, bad experiences. Maybe its just to do with your day-to-day self-esteem. But we all do this. It doesn’t make you feel better, but it does make you more numb to when someone else says the hurtful things too.

But people love you. And those people are hurt when you do this to yourself. So instead of thinking that making the comment first will make things better for you, think of how getting rid of the people that would otherwise say these things will make your whole world better.

Sure sometimes people will rag on you but they are just jealous. Let them be jealous! Your frigging awesome!

When you do that you will see that the only person not giving you compliments is yourself. That armour becomes the barrier between loneliness and love. It will take a while but when you can drop that barrier and let the love in….well..

Fuck it feels good!


Author: Chevron Spots

I am in my mid twenties and fighting my battles to discover who I am and where I fit in to this zany, beautiful world. I was diagnosed with Lupus in in 2008. This takes up most of my focus, as I want to share the experience of trying to live with and rise above chronic invisible illness, so to speak. I would like to stress very much the information regarding medications, medical procedures and illnesses are discussed from my point of view, and with my understanding, colloquialisms and metaphors. I do not attempt to be legally and precisely accurate for the general population, rather I try to be emotionally and descriptively true to my experiences. I hope I can help in understanding others with chronic illness by providing one more personal recount of just how spontaneous and difficult these lives really are. One day I hope to visit every continent, climb some pretty high mountains, sleep in an ice cavern, marry a wonderfully understanding man, have children and teach more children. Mostly, I just want a simple life, you know the house with a husband and kids. Oh, and no pain.

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